[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”