#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You Might Also Like
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Meowchelangelo
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.