Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m a bad influence on myself.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.