I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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Yes
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*praying for world peace*
God:
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Every house has this drawer
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.