Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat