You Might Also Like
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.