Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
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[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.