Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
This kid is a star!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.