{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
You Might Also Like
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I have never related to anyone more.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
New mindset, who dis?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*