Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”