Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
#Caturday
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Jesus Christ lmao
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.