“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Meow
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM