The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.