Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
When you’re here for the treats.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.