Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Not now. I’m deglazing.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.