“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I love twitter
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas