You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.