So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that