[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]