I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.