You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
You Might Also Like
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.