My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.