[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this