Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
These work great until they don’t.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Good morning.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.