Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby