emergency phone
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Think I pulled my liver
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there