in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.