Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it鈥檚 called an ice cube
Just say no
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald鈥檚 as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.