Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Those are good neighbors.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”