Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe