It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered