(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.