[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.