if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own