Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Animal poetry
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
At least my masseuse has my back.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]