You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.