April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.