The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.