Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
worst…sale…ever
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.