Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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HOW DARE YOU
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
This 4th of July, please remember…
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Yes
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?