[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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me doing my best
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
No chill.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.