OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.