Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
You Might Also Like
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.