my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
You Might Also Like
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…