I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
You Might Also Like
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.