*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE