My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit