*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
adding to the discourse
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
No Google it does not