Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
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Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due