In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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much to think about
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.